How To Drive Drunk

Since just about every time I open up the local newspaper police blotter someone from my graduating class is in there for driving while intoxicated, I figure I’ll teach you boys and girls how to do it properly.

First of all, the drunk driving statistics that we get shoved down our throats are skewed as a mother fucker. Let me illustrate with a hypothetical situation.

Hypothetical Situation:

You are downtown, the bouncer looks at your fake ID, gives you a devilish grin and welcomes you in. The dresses are short, the heels are tall, the drinks are cold and the atmosphere is hot. You run into some scumbag you knew from high school and he’s so fucked up he thinks that buying you a couple shots will make up for all the shit he talked about you behind your back that you found out from some girl he was trying to game. Anyway, you go to the bathroom, look at yourself in the mirror and realize that the last rum and coke you stole off the bar really has your head spinning. You text your thunder buddy, make arrangements to meet and say bye to all your alcoholic friends. Get in the car, Call Me Maybe is on the radio (isn’t it always?) and you catch yourself singing along at a red light. Out of nowhere, your whole car lurches forward as the sound of metal on metal smashes against each other. Some 16 year old with a car that has more horsepower than his high school’s football captain can bench press, just slammed into you, panicked and called 911. The police come, smell your breath and ask you to take a breathalyzer. You agree and blow a 0.09 (legal limit in Connecticut is 0.08). That accident is now YOUR fault. No I am not making that up, it’s automatically your fault because you are “drunk” and that gets factored into “drunk driving accident” statistics. So the problem of drunk driving isn’t nearly as large as it may appear at first glance.

Mothers Against Drunk Driving is the leader of anti drunk driving campaigns. MADD like most charities, keeps a majority of funds raised. They instill fear and use that fear in order to profit, much like our government. The woman who initially started the group has now left it because she has become disgusted with their schemes. I’m not saying drunk driving isn’t an issue, but I would rather sit passenger in a car with a person who weighs 170 pounds with 3 beers in their system than 85 year old Gladys who can’t see over the steering wheel in her Buick.

Anyway, here’s how I WOULD “drive drunk”, if I did. Which I don’t. At all. Never. Ever.

Step 1: make sure your car is
legal. Cops scan your license plate and to see if your registration is up to date, if its not they will pull you over and talk to you. Talking to the police is never a good idea, and its especially bad when you’re drunk. Make sure your tints are legal and have that dumbass sticker from the DMV (another money making scheme). If your tints aren’t legal, put your front windows down when you drive. Make sure your headlights, tail lights, brake lights and turn signals are in working order. A $5 dollar light bulb is much cheaper than a legal case.

Step 2: Drive carefully! Don’t throw on an Afrojack track and start passing cars in the wrong lane imagining you’re Paul Walker. Put your headlights on, this is such a simple step yet so many people are worried about obtaining sex they completely overlook it. Obey speed limit laws, stop at the stop signs, and don’t gas through a yellow. Simple, basic common sense shit.

Step 3: If you don’t have tints, put all your windows up and light a cigerette. When it has burned down to the butt, light another one. You don’t have to smoke it (I would) just let the car fill up with the smoke and smell of the tobacco. Chew gum and don’t look him in the face when you talk to him because he will smell your breath and get suspicious.

If he does suspect you’re drunk and wants to give you a test. Don’t take it. This will yield your license getting suspended for 6 months and you getting arrested but that is better than them having solid evidence. Hire a good lawyer and chances are you will beat the case.

I DO NOT CONDONE drunk/high/coked up driving and I am NOT responsible if you kill someone or get injured yourself.

 

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~ by finishyourdrink on July 18, 2012.

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