How To Drive Drunk

•July 18, 2012 • Leave a Comment

Since just about every time I open up the local newspaper police blotter someone from my graduating class is in there for driving while intoxicated, I figure I’ll teach you boys and girls how to do it properly.

First of all, the drunk driving statistics that we get shoved down our throats are skewed as a mother fucker. Let me illustrate with a hypothetical situation.

Hypothetical Situation:

You are downtown, the bouncer looks at your fake ID, gives you a devilish grin and welcomes you in. The dresses are short, the heels are tall, the drinks are cold and the atmosphere is hot. You run into some scumbag you knew from high school and he’s so fucked up he thinks that buying you a couple shots will make up for all the shit he talked about you behind your back that you found out from some girl he was trying to game. Anyway, you go to the bathroom, look at yourself in the mirror and realize that the last rum and coke you stole off the bar really has your head spinning. You text your thunder buddy, make arrangements to meet and say bye to all your alcoholic friends. Get in the car, Call Me Maybe is on the radio (isn’t it always?) and you catch yourself singing along at a red light. Out of nowhere, your whole car lurches forward as the sound of metal on metal smashes against each other. Some 16 year old with a car that has more horsepower than his high school’s football captain can bench press, just slammed into you, panicked and called 911. The police come, smell your breath and ask you to take a breathalyzer. You agree and blow a 0.09 (legal limit in Connecticut is 0.08). That accident is now YOUR fault. No I am not making that up, it’s automatically your fault because you are “drunk” and that gets factored into “drunk driving accident” statistics. So the problem of drunk driving isn’t nearly as large as it may appear at first glance.

Mothers Against Drunk Driving is the leader of anti drunk driving campaigns. MADD like most charities, keeps a majority of funds raised. They instill fear and use that fear in order to profit, much like our government. The woman who initially started the group has now left it because she has become disgusted with their schemes. I’m not saying drunk driving isn’t an issue, but I would rather sit passenger in a car with a person who weighs 170 pounds with 3 beers in their system than 85 year old Gladys who can’t see over the steering wheel in her Buick.

Anyway, here’s how I WOULD “drive drunk”, if I did. Which I don’t. At all. Never. Ever.

Step 1: make sure your car is
legal. Cops scan your license plate and to see if your registration is up to date, if its not they will pull you over and talk to you. Talking to the police is never a good idea, and its especially bad when you’re drunk. Make sure your tints are legal and have that dumbass sticker from the DMV (another money making scheme). If your tints aren’t legal, put your front windows down when you drive. Make sure your headlights, tail lights, brake lights and turn signals are in working order. A $5 dollar light bulb is much cheaper than a legal case.

Step 2: Drive carefully! Don’t throw on an Afrojack track and start passing cars in the wrong lane imagining you’re Paul Walker. Put your headlights on, this is such a simple step yet so many people are worried about obtaining sex they completely overlook it. Obey speed limit laws, stop at the stop signs, and don’t gas through a yellow. Simple, basic common sense shit.

Step 3: If you don’t have tints, put all your windows up and light a cigerette. When it has burned down to the butt, light another one. You don’t have to smoke it (I would) just let the car fill up with the smoke and smell of the tobacco. Chew gum and don’t look him in the face when you talk to him because he will smell your breath and get suspicious.

If he does suspect you’re drunk and wants to give you a test. Don’t take it. This will yield your license getting suspended for 6 months and you getting arrested but that is better than them having solid evidence. Hire a good lawyer and chances are you will beat the case.

I DO NOT CONDONE drunk/high/coked up driving and I am NOT responsible if you kill someone or get injured yourself.



Why Men Cheat vs Why Women Cheat

•June 3, 2012 • 1 Comment

“About one in five adults in monogamous relationships, or 22 percent, have cheated on their current partner. The rate is even higher among married men. And nearly half of people admit to being unfaithful at some point in their lives, according to the results of the Lust, Love & Loyalty survey.”

Now let’s factor in the people who straight up lied, refused to take the survey, or somehow rationalized: “well technically I didn’t cheat because I was drunk, had a condom on, put it in her ass and just came back from my step sister’s cousin’s cat’s funeral so I was emotionally not in the right place” Once all these scenarios are considered I would say the percentage of people who cheated at least once in their lifetime is closer to 80 than 50%. Also, if you get into a fight with your boyfriend/girlfriend, break up with him/her, go fuck someone then get back together 2 days later, that’s cheating. Be real with yourself, you found a loophole, but you’re a cheater.

Having said that, let’s get into why men cheat. There are more arbitrary and less common reasons, such as you’re just a rebound girl and his ex who he is still in love with came back into his life, there is a celebrity girl that he finds incredibly attractive and theres a girl that looks just like her who’s down for the dick, or the extremely rare case the stripper at the gentleman’s club is tuggin on his shit and said he can have her free of charge. Most times a guy cheats, it’s a totally unplanned alcohol fueled affair with some girl less attractive than his girlfriend who is all over him and knows how to turn the switch from the brain being the main decision making apparatus to his genitals taking over those responsibilities. This is done through sensual touching (a woman’s touch has incredible capabilities to release natural feel good hormones), dancing (a jiggling butt has the power to knock out a cellphone tower, as well as disrupt satellite tv), and the most common being sitting on a guy’s lap. The last one is used to check for an erection, which is the way to determine if the brain has been completely disengaged. As soon as they feel it, they will make a move and go for the kiss.
From there the man’s natural biological response is to hit the girl with the meat stick. He doesn’t love the girl, he’s not trying to hurt his girlfriend, it’s nothing deeper than a brief physical interaction. It’s a sport. This is what I call Stage One cheating.

Women on the other hand partake in what I call Stage Two cheating. Stage Two cheating is far more dangerous. Women don’t just go and fuck someone at a party in a completely mindless physical exchange like a man does. Women build an attraction through continuous social interaction. They really fall for the guy they’re messing around with. They will share secrets, and complain about their boyfriend. They fall out of love with them. When a woman begins cheating she will shortly end the relationship she was originally in if the guy is down to date her. A woman wont end a relationship unless she has another ship to jump aboard of. Any guy dating these women is real stupid if you ask me, because if the root of your relationship was dug from lies then how do you think your relationship will end? But who am I to judge. If the girl knows that you know she’s in a relationship she will put up some fake resistance to make it seem like you’ve initiated the whole situation when in fact she has set up all the pins, you just have to knock them down. If the guy never asks her if she has a boyfriend or not (fellas I don’t recommend asking women this, if they want you to know they’ll tell you) then the interaction proceeds like dealing with a single woman.

Of course there will be some overlap. Many women are down for a one night pussy beating if they are dealing with a high profile athlete or other minor celebrity (fame gets the waterslide real wet for some reason). Or often times if one of their girlfriends hypes up some dude’s sex game they will break some boundaries to find out for themselves. This always ends in “YOU CAN’T TELL ANYONE ABOUT THIS”. Also men will do the long term shorty on the side if she provides a certain level of comfort that their girlfriend interrupts. Like if his girlfriend is always complaining, accusing and generally stressing the dude out he will rather kick it with the other girl who is instead taking measures to make sure he is relaxed and has his sexual needs met. For both sexes I recommend giving your girlfriend/boyfriend space and fucking them like it’s the last time you’ll ever see them.

All in all, how do I feel about being with someone that has a boyfriend? Absolutely not one of my friend’s girls, even if we’re not particularly close, and absolutely no one married or with kids. But if I don’t know you, and your girl wants something? Of course I’ll give it to her, I won’t date her or steal her from you, but I will fill the proverbial void you don’t. Consider it a favor.


How to Make People Do Anything You Want Them To

•October 31, 2011 • 2 Comments

If you do a quick overview of the world’s history and hand pick any 3 highly successful individuals they will all have one common characteristic. Every single one of them had the ability to organize people and divert their energy into a singular and particular cause. Humans ability to communicate and cooperate is the underlying reason for our drastic superiority over every other species. Individuals on both poles of the moral compass utilized this ability.

Adolph Hitler convinced the German people that all the problems of that nation could be attributed to the Jews and therefore they must be annihilated. He got a whole country of people to build the most efficient system of death the world has ever seen. And he never had to lay a single brick down, nor kill a single person himself.

On the more positive end of the spectrum, Martin Luther King Jr was able to organize massive sit ins, marches, and boycotts. Activities that got the participants jailed, hosed, beaten and worse. These efforts transformed the society in which we currently live in dramatically.

Many have argued that some are just born with the gift of charm and charisma which make them natural leaders. However, if you weren’t blessed with a magnetizing aura like some of the world’s most prominent people, there’s still hope for you. I have uncovered the secret to manipulation. And I will share it with you, just send me your credit card number, along with expiration date and CVV code (the 3 numbers on the back).

In all seriousness though, if you want someone to do something for you, just ask them when they are about to start some schoolwork. There have been times when I was just making all the preparations to start my paper, which includes brewing my cup of coffee with hazelnut creamer, 3 hours of surfing the same 3 websites, playing some house or dubstep, and if i was feeling real naughty, serving myself a piece of Tiramisu.

All of a sudden my phone would ring. It didn’t matter how far fetched, ridiculous, or obnoxious the request was … I would agree. Oh your car broke down? In New Jersey? Be right there! You just took a shit and your arms are too sore from the gym? Don’t worry I’ll get that for you! There’s a raccoon having a feast in your trash can? I knew this BB gun wasn’t a waste of money..The most ridiculous shit though, is the fact that I would rather do someone else’s homework than my own. if you have a history paper to write, your friend’s calculus equations suddenly become mega interesting.

So there you go, try it out. Ask some of your friends about their deadlines for papers, projects and homework when next semester rolls around, it’ll provide for good intel, as well as making them feel like you actually care about them.